Monday, January 25, 2010
Melissa George: Turistas Screen Caps
Gotta love those dreads. Click the pics to enlarge. Then, see the movie.
Bikinis Banned from Indian Tourism Ads
“Fighting against the slur of turning into a sex-tourism destination, the Goa tourism department has decided to censor all advertisements showing ‘bikini babes’.” Backstory.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
How to Reach Soul-Mate Status with Any Man
Finally, those brainiacs in the scientific world have hit on something really earth-shattering (and we don’t mean global warming). We’re talking about personality typing. “Almost every man falls into one of four categories,” says Paul Dobransky, MD, author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love. Reasons for the differences range from hormones to psychology, and knowing the types gives insight into a guy’s dating MO.
We had Dr. Dobransky, founder of Bikini home, and anthropologist Helen Fisher, PhD, chief scientific adviser for chemistry.com, break down each type. Use this info to analyze guys, have more fun with yours, and even reach soul-mate status.
SPOT HIM
Typical interests: Organized groups (like a running club), gadgets, nonfiction books
When he’s stressed, he analyzes the situation and makes lists and plans.
He lights up if you say: “I could really use your advice on something.”
HE’S RIGHT FOR YOU IF...
...You want your boyfriend to be a supportive, steadfast partner who shares your sensible approach to life and is smart enough to get your sometimes quirky side without judging.
...You’re turned on by witty, intelligent conversation and gifts that show the affection he’s not so great at verbalizing.
...You deal with problems by talking about them rationally. This guy’s always game for reasoned debates, but drama queens will lose big — emotional outbursts freak him out.
SYNCING UP
His favorite dates: He feels most energized when he’s engaging his mind, so try watching a documentary, seeing an interesting exhibit, or taking a class, such as sushi making.
Relationship requirements: This dedicated dude gets totally absorbed in his interests. If you don’t even ask about them (“How was Shark Week?”), he’ll feel like you don’t get him. He’s also tuned in to etiquette, so gaffes (like bailing on plans) turn him off.
In the sack: He’s normally the calm, collected one. Blindfold him and tease him with different touches so he learns how hot it can be to give up control.
What he seeks in a soul mate: To really trust you, he has to know that you respect his cerebral nature. Help coax out his playful side with plans he’d never make on his own and he’ll see you as the total package.
SPOT HIM
Typical interests: Sports (playing and watching), barbecuing, building things
When he’s stressed, he dives in and deals with the cause, whether it means extra hours at work or a showdown.
He lights up if you say: “Is there anything you can’t make happen?”
HE’S RIGHT FOR YOU IF...
...You want your boyfriend to be the classic male archetype — a protective, take-charge dude who doesn’t yap about his feelings but lets his guard down when alone with you.
...You’re turned on by grand gestures, like spontaneous PDAs, and manly deeds, like changing your car’s oil.
...You deal with problems directly without any passive-aggressive BS. He’s quick to confront conflict. If you are too, your issues will disappear once you hash them out.
SYNCING UP
His favorite dates: His heart beats faster (figuratively and literally) when he’s active, so suggest a hike in the woods or a boxing class followed by drinks.
Relationship requirements: This on-the- go guy needs solo time to recharge and will feel smothered if you are clingy. You’ll need a thick skin, because he doesn’t sugarcoat things...ever.
In the sack: For the charge-hard man, getting busy is a release valve. Greet him at the door in racy getup, and ravage him with kisses. He’ll carry you to the bed for some nooky.
What he seeks in a soul mate: His he-man side needs you to appreciate his efforts to lead. But under his strong, silent exterior, he’s a superloyal softie. He feels complete when you can talk about the feelings that he internalizes.
SPOT HIM
Typical interests: Outdoor activities (like camping and skiing), foreign travel, parties and crowds
When he’s stressed, he distracts himself with something amusing, like watching the game or organizing a social outing.
He lights up if you say: “Oh, you have a fascinating story about that — c’mon, tell everyone.”
HE’S RIGHT FOR YOU IF...
...You want your boyfriend to be a whirlwind of personality who can liven things up, make you laugh, get you out of your head, and keep you guessing...in a good way.
...You’re turned on by unpredictable, exciting plans.
...You deal with problems in a casual, nonconfrontational way. Mr. Conflict Avoidance hates when you’re unhappy with him and will deflect attention unless you tackle the issue.
SYNCING UP
His favorite dates: This class clown loves being around new people — think karaoke night or a charity casino event. He’s also thrilled by new accomplishments, like scaling a rock wall at the gym.
Relationship requirements: He needs a laissez-faire chick who won’t try to rein in his inner wild child. He is willing to share the spotlight, just not all of it.
In the sack: His spontaneous style extends to his sex life. Prove you value excitement too by waking him up for a middle-of-the-night sack session.
What he seeks in a soul mate: The ultimate people person bonds best with an ever-evolving woman who can match his lust for new experiences. He craves independence yet still needs to know he’s important to you, so being secure enough to show you care is a must.
SPOT HIM
Typical interests: Music, cooking dinner for friends, reading literature
When he’s stressed, he talks about it with confidants until he finds a solution.
He lights up if you say: “I never would have noticed that. You’re so observant!”
HE’S RIGHT FOR YOU IF...
...You want your boyfriend to be a guy who truly listens, understands your girlie side, and can talk about feelings.
...You’re turned on by sweet, movie-worthy romance, like slow kisses and crazy-great compliments.
...You deal with problems by honestly addressing them and taking emotions into consideration. He’s a philosopher at heart, and even if you two don’t agree in the end, you’ll learn tons about each other during your in-depth discussions.
SYNCING UP
His favorite dates: Atmosphere matters to this sensualist, so find a spot with a romantic vibe (try a botanical garden or outdoor jazz concert) for the real highlight: your ever-intensifying one-on-one bond.
Relationship requirements: This nurturer tries to know everyone he meets on a deeper level...which can be rough if you’re the jealous type. Also, he’s so into connecting that he’ll feel dissed if you don’t share your problems.
In the sack: The closer he feels to you, the hotter it gets him. For an especially intimate treat, seduce him in the morning, when sunlight offers him a full view of you, and make eye contact mid-act.
What he seeks in a soul mate: This idealist falls when he knows you value communication too. Because he tends to ruminate, you’ll enhance his life by being decisive yourself.
We had Dr. Dobransky, founder of Bikini home, and anthropologist Helen Fisher, PhD, chief scientific adviser for chemistry.com, break down each type. Use this info to analyze guys, have more fun with yours, and even reach soul-mate status.
SPOT HIM
Typical interests: Organized groups (like a running club), gadgets, nonfiction books
When he’s stressed, he analyzes the situation and makes lists and plans.
He lights up if you say: “I could really use your advice on something.”
HE’S RIGHT FOR YOU IF...
...You want your boyfriend to be a supportive, steadfast partner who shares your sensible approach to life and is smart enough to get your sometimes quirky side without judging.
...You’re turned on by witty, intelligent conversation and gifts that show the affection he’s not so great at verbalizing.
...You deal with problems by talking about them rationally. This guy’s always game for reasoned debates, but drama queens will lose big — emotional outbursts freak him out.
SYNCING UP
His favorite dates: He feels most energized when he’s engaging his mind, so try watching a documentary, seeing an interesting exhibit, or taking a class, such as sushi making.
Relationship requirements: This dedicated dude gets totally absorbed in his interests. If you don’t even ask about them (“How was Shark Week?”), he’ll feel like you don’t get him. He’s also tuned in to etiquette, so gaffes (like bailing on plans) turn him off.
In the sack: He’s normally the calm, collected one. Blindfold him and tease him with different touches so he learns how hot it can be to give up control.
What he seeks in a soul mate: To really trust you, he has to know that you respect his cerebral nature. Help coax out his playful side with plans he’d never make on his own and he’ll see you as the total package.
SPOT HIM
Typical interests: Sports (playing and watching), barbecuing, building things
When he’s stressed, he dives in and deals with the cause, whether it means extra hours at work or a showdown.
He lights up if you say: “Is there anything you can’t make happen?”
HE’S RIGHT FOR YOU IF...
...You want your boyfriend to be the classic male archetype — a protective, take-charge dude who doesn’t yap about his feelings but lets his guard down when alone with you.
...You’re turned on by grand gestures, like spontaneous PDAs, and manly deeds, like changing your car’s oil.
...You deal with problems directly without any passive-aggressive BS. He’s quick to confront conflict. If you are too, your issues will disappear once you hash them out.
SYNCING UP
His favorite dates: His heart beats faster (figuratively and literally) when he’s active, so suggest a hike in the woods or a boxing class followed by drinks.
Relationship requirements: This on-the- go guy needs solo time to recharge and will feel smothered if you are clingy. You’ll need a thick skin, because he doesn’t sugarcoat things...ever.
In the sack: For the charge-hard man, getting busy is a release valve. Greet him at the door in racy getup, and ravage him with kisses. He’ll carry you to the bed for some nooky.
What he seeks in a soul mate: His he-man side needs you to appreciate his efforts to lead. But under his strong, silent exterior, he’s a superloyal softie. He feels complete when you can talk about the feelings that he internalizes.
SPOT HIM
Typical interests: Outdoor activities (like camping and skiing), foreign travel, parties and crowds
When he’s stressed, he distracts himself with something amusing, like watching the game or organizing a social outing.
He lights up if you say: “Oh, you have a fascinating story about that — c’mon, tell everyone.”
HE’S RIGHT FOR YOU IF...
...You want your boyfriend to be a whirlwind of personality who can liven things up, make you laugh, get you out of your head, and keep you guessing...in a good way.
...You’re turned on by unpredictable, exciting plans.
...You deal with problems in a casual, nonconfrontational way. Mr. Conflict Avoidance hates when you’re unhappy with him and will deflect attention unless you tackle the issue.
SYNCING UP
His favorite dates: This class clown loves being around new people — think karaoke night or a charity casino event. He’s also thrilled by new accomplishments, like scaling a rock wall at the gym.
Relationship requirements: He needs a laissez-faire chick who won’t try to rein in his inner wild child. He is willing to share the spotlight, just not all of it.
In the sack: His spontaneous style extends to his sex life. Prove you value excitement too by waking him up for a middle-of-the-night sack session.
What he seeks in a soul mate: The ultimate people person bonds best with an ever-evolving woman who can match his lust for new experiences. He craves independence yet still needs to know he’s important to you, so being secure enough to show you care is a must.
SPOT HIM
Typical interests: Music, cooking dinner for friends, reading literature
When he’s stressed, he talks about it with confidants until he finds a solution.
He lights up if you say: “I never would have noticed that. You’re so observant!”
HE’S RIGHT FOR YOU IF...
...You want your boyfriend to be a guy who truly listens, understands your girlie side, and can talk about feelings.
...You’re turned on by sweet, movie-worthy romance, like slow kisses and crazy-great compliments.
...You deal with problems by honestly addressing them and taking emotions into consideration. He’s a philosopher at heart, and even if you two don’t agree in the end, you’ll learn tons about each other during your in-depth discussions.
SYNCING UP
His favorite dates: Atmosphere matters to this sensualist, so find a spot with a romantic vibe (try a botanical garden or outdoor jazz concert) for the real highlight: your ever-intensifying one-on-one bond.
Relationship requirements: This nurturer tries to know everyone he meets on a deeper level...which can be rough if you’re the jealous type. Also, he’s so into connecting that he’ll feel dissed if you don’t share your problems.
In the sack: The closer he feels to you, the hotter it gets him. For an especially intimate treat, seduce him in the morning, when sunlight offers him a full view of you, and make eye contact mid-act.
What he seeks in a soul mate: This idealist falls when he knows you value communication too. Because he tends to ruminate, you’ll enhance his life by being decisive yourself.
40 Girlie Moves That Make Guys Melt
There are tons of things you do every day that men love. They're usually the simple, feminine behaviors that come naturally to you, like the way you primp for a night out or call your guy by a cute pet name. But rather than allow them to keep those thoughts under wraps, we got a bunch of dudes to spill what girlie moves make them weak in the knees.
1. "Samantha always puts on lip balm before we make out. It's just a silly habit she has, but it makes her lips so smooth." —Patrick, 24
2. "I love that women carry everything in their purses — bandages, tissues, whatever you need, it's there — like a mobile drugstore." —Zack, 26
3. "No joke, my apartment used to be so messy, it looked like I'd been robbed. Then one afternoon, my fiancée came over with cleaning supplies and performed an extreme makeover. Six hours later, the place was immaculate. I would never have gone to all that effort. It was so nice when she was done." —Chase, 30
4. "I'd never admit this to my guy friends, but I secretly love it when a girl I'm dating calls for no special reason, just to check in. It lets me know that she's thinking about me." —Ronaldo, 21
5. "My hands are rough and calloused, but my girlfriend's are so soft. It's probably because she's always slathering them with this scented lotion. It makes me love holding hands with her." —Pete, 29
6. "While watching TV one night, Erin spied a mouse. The next thing I knew, she was standing on the bed screaming her head off while I chased it down. I have to admit, coming to her 'rescue' made me feel like The Man." —Mark, 31
7. "Sure, I bust my girlfriend's chops about the fact that she'll spend like 20 bucks on fancy salon-brand shampoos and conditioners. I guess the expensive stuff is worth it though, because, man, does her hair smell good." -Simon, 25
8. "Kate has these sheets that are 500 thread count or something. They're the softest, nicest sheets ever made — nothing like the ratty college holdovers that I'm used to sleeping on. They make staying over at her place even sweeter than it already is." —Steve, 29
9. "Like most chicks, there's a big difference between how my girlfriend looks when she's out and dressed up, and when she's in dress-down mode, hanging out at home. At first, she was shy about pulling back her hair and putting on her glasses instead of her contacts. But I love how she looks when she's relaxed. Maybe it's because I'm one of the few people who get to see her that way." —Gary, 28
10. "The moment I knew that I had really fallen hard for Angela was during the Christmas holidays. She hand made all of her cards and tried to write a different message in every one. I don't know a single guy who would bother to go to all that trouble just to let people know he cares." —Mark, 36
11. "I'm not dying to be a daddy any time soon, yet I secretly enjoy watching the way some women melt around kids. Seeing my girlfriend make silly faces and laugh with her nieces and nephews is adorable. It makes me think, Wow, she'll be a great mom...someday." —Noah, 27
12. "I have no idea why Brooke likes to wear my clothes, but whenever she stays over at my place, she puts on my boxer shorts the next morning. She even wears my old high school T-shirts. They make me look like a dork, but she looks so friggin' cute in them." —Kent, 21
13. "I'm fascinated by the way my girlfriend puts on her toenail polish. She just sits on the bed with this thing that keeps her toes apart and slowly, deliberately paints each one. It's like the ultimate female ritual." —Omar, 30
14. "I'll act annoyed when we go clubbing and she hands me her keys and ID to carry, but it feels good to be the person she trusts." —Fred, 24
15. "Guys love ambience, but we have no idea how to pull it off. My girlfriend has all these scented candles that make her place look and smell so inviting. Here's the secret: If your guy acts like he doesn't care about that stuff, he's totally full of it." —David, 22
16. "If we disagree about something stupid, like what to watch on TV, my girlfriend gets pouty. I know she's trying to manipulate me, but she's so cute, I let her get her way every time." —Ben, 23
17. "There’s nothing sexier than a woman in high heels. My girlfriend loves to wear them, but by the time she gets home, her feet are killing her. It's crazy what women go through to look good — not that I'm complaining." —Miles, 35
18. "Whenever I go to my girlfriend's, the fridge is stocked. It's nice that she cares enough to make sure she has everything I like to eat." —Aaron, 20
19. "One day, I was in the kitchen an I overheard my girlfriend crying while watching an episode of Oprah. Of course I made fun of her for tearing up, but it was endearing that she got so emotional. Guys appreciate that because we don't show enough emotion." —Kevin, 25
20. "My girlfriend straightens out my tie and makes sure that my jacket's on just right before I leave for work. It's not that I don't do a good job myself, it's just that she's so attentive to me. I think most girls have no idea that guys really do love having so much attention paid to them." —Gary, 31
21. "Right before my girlfriend is about to pleasure me, she pulls her hair back in a ponytail. Sometimes just seeing the elastic band on her wrist gets me really excited." —Thaddeus, 20
22. "Like every other woman, my girlfriend is a sucker for a sappy movie. I put up a fight when she wants to catch one, but I usually enjoy 'em. I mean, The Notebook was awesome." —Nate, 21
23. "My girlfriend loves to take long bubble baths. However, she doesn't have a tub, so she uses mine. She used to feel kind of bad that she was hogging my bathroom...until I told her how much it turns me on just to think about her naked and all sudsed up in there." —Luke, 24
24. "Chicks have a steel-trap memory when it comes to silly things like the anniversary of your first date. It's sweet that they keep those special moments in mind...as long as they don't rag on me when I forget." —Edward, 30
25. "Amy takes forever to get ready, but I don't mind. Watching her dress and undress 'cause she has 'nothing to wear' is a great peep show." —Dan, 24
26. "Chicks always seem to come up with these goofy pet names. I don't want my girl using one in front of my guy friends, but it's kind of cute when she uses it in private." —Jose, 21
27. "I think it's adorable how my girlfriend refers to a hot car by color, not brand. But when it comes to naming clothing designers, she's got a photographic memory." —Davidson, 21
28. "My girlfriend thinks I'm doing her a favor by going jean shopping with her — but I really go just to ogle her ass!" —Alan, 28
29. "My girlfriend, Allie, loves to play Mariah Carey when we're having a romantic evening at home. I always complain, but I kind of like the songs. They help set the mood." —Kendall, 29
30. "I love watching my girlfriend sleep. She looks so delicate and sweet. Sometimes she curls up with the pillow, and I think about how sexy she is. I feel like I'm the one keeping her safe." —Trevor, 27
31. "In college, I'd drive two hours to get to my girlfriend's house, and she'd have fresh peanut butter cookies for me. They were my favorite." —Brian, 26
32. "Every time Mandy sets foot in the kitchen, she puts on an apron. It's so 1950s housewife, but I think it's cute. I mean, no guy is that worried about messing up his outfit." —Dean, 33
33. "I'm always surprised at how well my girlfriend listens and remembers what I say. For instance, if I mention something I like, she'll make a mental note and surprise me with it on a birthday or holiday." —Van, 23
34. "Every time my girlfriend comes home from shopping, she tries on every single thing she bought. I love watching her prance around." —Jake, 23
35. "Before we go out, Suzie asks how she looks. I'm like 'Uh, you look fine,' but I'm really flattered she values my opinion." —Tobias, 26
36. "Some people are really bugged by this, but I love when my girlfriend eats off my plate and offers me bites of her food when we go out to eat. It makes me feel like we're totally comfortable with each other." —Grady, 28
37. "When I was on the road traveling with my basketball team, I had two pairs of hundred-dollar sneakers stolen right from my hotel room. When I came home, I was shocked that my girlfriend had gone out and bought me two replacement pairs. I just couldn't believe how thoughtful she was." —Jeremy, 21
38. "Whenever my girlfriend can tell that I'm getting a cold, she puts the back of her hand on my forehead to check if I have a fever. Then she says 'Are you okay, baby?' That makes me melt right there on the spot." —Masaki, 25
39. "I think it's cool that my girlfriend, Maggie, wears her 'special' underwear whenever we're getting together. I know she does that just for me because the few times we hooked up totally spontaneously, she wasn't wearing the sexy, lacy stuff. All I got was some pretty lame standard-issue cotton." —Jon, 23
40. "My girlfriend is obsessed with the quizzes in Cosmo and always begs me to sit down and do them with her. I pretend that I'm not that into them, but the truth of the matter is that I'm pretty anxious to know the answers!" —Rocco, 26
1. "Samantha always puts on lip balm before we make out. It's just a silly habit she has, but it makes her lips so smooth." —Patrick, 24
2. "I love that women carry everything in their purses — bandages, tissues, whatever you need, it's there — like a mobile drugstore." —Zack, 26
3. "No joke, my apartment used to be so messy, it looked like I'd been robbed. Then one afternoon, my fiancée came over with cleaning supplies and performed an extreme makeover. Six hours later, the place was immaculate. I would never have gone to all that effort. It was so nice when she was done." —Chase, 30
4. "I'd never admit this to my guy friends, but I secretly love it when a girl I'm dating calls for no special reason, just to check in. It lets me know that she's thinking about me." —Ronaldo, 21
5. "My hands are rough and calloused, but my girlfriend's are so soft. It's probably because she's always slathering them with this scented lotion. It makes me love holding hands with her." —Pete, 29
6. "While watching TV one night, Erin spied a mouse. The next thing I knew, she was standing on the bed screaming her head off while I chased it down. I have to admit, coming to her 'rescue' made me feel like The Man." —Mark, 31
7. "Sure, I bust my girlfriend's chops about the fact that she'll spend like 20 bucks on fancy salon-brand shampoos and conditioners. I guess the expensive stuff is worth it though, because, man, does her hair smell good." -Simon, 25
8. "Kate has these sheets that are 500 thread count or something. They're the softest, nicest sheets ever made — nothing like the ratty college holdovers that I'm used to sleeping on. They make staying over at her place even sweeter than it already is." —Steve, 29
9. "Like most chicks, there's a big difference between how my girlfriend looks when she's out and dressed up, and when she's in dress-down mode, hanging out at home. At first, she was shy about pulling back her hair and putting on her glasses instead of her contacts. But I love how she looks when she's relaxed. Maybe it's because I'm one of the few people who get to see her that way." —Gary, 28
10. "The moment I knew that I had really fallen hard for Angela was during the Christmas holidays. She hand made all of her cards and tried to write a different message in every one. I don't know a single guy who would bother to go to all that trouble just to let people know he cares." —Mark, 36
11. "I'm not dying to be a daddy any time soon, yet I secretly enjoy watching the way some women melt around kids. Seeing my girlfriend make silly faces and laugh with her nieces and nephews is adorable. It makes me think, Wow, she'll be a great mom...someday." —Noah, 27
12. "I have no idea why Brooke likes to wear my clothes, but whenever she stays over at my place, she puts on my boxer shorts the next morning. She even wears my old high school T-shirts. They make me look like a dork, but she looks so friggin' cute in them." —Kent, 21
13. "I'm fascinated by the way my girlfriend puts on her toenail polish. She just sits on the bed with this thing that keeps her toes apart and slowly, deliberately paints each one. It's like the ultimate female ritual." —Omar, 30
14. "I'll act annoyed when we go clubbing and she hands me her keys and ID to carry, but it feels good to be the person she trusts." —Fred, 24
15. "Guys love ambience, but we have no idea how to pull it off. My girlfriend has all these scented candles that make her place look and smell so inviting. Here's the secret: If your guy acts like he doesn't care about that stuff, he's totally full of it." —David, 22
16. "If we disagree about something stupid, like what to watch on TV, my girlfriend gets pouty. I know she's trying to manipulate me, but she's so cute, I let her get her way every time." —Ben, 23
17. "There’s nothing sexier than a woman in high heels. My girlfriend loves to wear them, but by the time she gets home, her feet are killing her. It's crazy what women go through to look good — not that I'm complaining." —Miles, 35
18. "Whenever I go to my girlfriend's, the fridge is stocked. It's nice that she cares enough to make sure she has everything I like to eat." —Aaron, 20
19. "One day, I was in the kitchen an I overheard my girlfriend crying while watching an episode of Oprah. Of course I made fun of her for tearing up, but it was endearing that she got so emotional. Guys appreciate that because we don't show enough emotion." —Kevin, 25
20. "My girlfriend straightens out my tie and makes sure that my jacket's on just right before I leave for work. It's not that I don't do a good job myself, it's just that she's so attentive to me. I think most girls have no idea that guys really do love having so much attention paid to them." —Gary, 31
21. "Right before my girlfriend is about to pleasure me, she pulls her hair back in a ponytail. Sometimes just seeing the elastic band on her wrist gets me really excited." —Thaddeus, 20
22. "Like every other woman, my girlfriend is a sucker for a sappy movie. I put up a fight when she wants to catch one, but I usually enjoy 'em. I mean, The Notebook was awesome." —Nate, 21
23. "My girlfriend loves to take long bubble baths. However, she doesn't have a tub, so she uses mine. She used to feel kind of bad that she was hogging my bathroom...until I told her how much it turns me on just to think about her naked and all sudsed up in there." —Luke, 24
24. "Chicks have a steel-trap memory when it comes to silly things like the anniversary of your first date. It's sweet that they keep those special moments in mind...as long as they don't rag on me when I forget." —Edward, 30
25. "Amy takes forever to get ready, but I don't mind. Watching her dress and undress 'cause she has 'nothing to wear' is a great peep show." —Dan, 24
26. "Chicks always seem to come up with these goofy pet names. I don't want my girl using one in front of my guy friends, but it's kind of cute when she uses it in private." —Jose, 21
27. "I think it's adorable how my girlfriend refers to a hot car by color, not brand. But when it comes to naming clothing designers, she's got a photographic memory." —Davidson, 21
28. "My girlfriend thinks I'm doing her a favor by going jean shopping with her — but I really go just to ogle her ass!" —Alan, 28
29. "My girlfriend, Allie, loves to play Mariah Carey when we're having a romantic evening at home. I always complain, but I kind of like the songs. They help set the mood." —Kendall, 29
30. "I love watching my girlfriend sleep. She looks so delicate and sweet. Sometimes she curls up with the pillow, and I think about how sexy she is. I feel like I'm the one keeping her safe." —Trevor, 27
31. "In college, I'd drive two hours to get to my girlfriend's house, and she'd have fresh peanut butter cookies for me. They were my favorite." —Brian, 26
32. "Every time Mandy sets foot in the kitchen, she puts on an apron. It's so 1950s housewife, but I think it's cute. I mean, no guy is that worried about messing up his outfit." —Dean, 33
33. "I'm always surprised at how well my girlfriend listens and remembers what I say. For instance, if I mention something I like, she'll make a mental note and surprise me with it on a birthday or holiday." —Van, 23
34. "Every time my girlfriend comes home from shopping, she tries on every single thing she bought. I love watching her prance around." —Jake, 23
35. "Before we go out, Suzie asks how she looks. I'm like 'Uh, you look fine,' but I'm really flattered she values my opinion." —Tobias, 26
36. "Some people are really bugged by this, but I love when my girlfriend eats off my plate and offers me bites of her food when we go out to eat. It makes me feel like we're totally comfortable with each other." —Grady, 28
37. "When I was on the road traveling with my basketball team, I had two pairs of hundred-dollar sneakers stolen right from my hotel room. When I came home, I was shocked that my girlfriend had gone out and bought me two replacement pairs. I just couldn't believe how thoughtful she was." —Jeremy, 21
38. "Whenever my girlfriend can tell that I'm getting a cold, she puts the back of her hand on my forehead to check if I have a fever. Then she says 'Are you okay, baby?' That makes me melt right there on the spot." —Masaki, 25
39. "I think it's cool that my girlfriend, Maggie, wears her 'special' underwear whenever we're getting together. I know she does that just for me because the few times we hooked up totally spontaneously, she wasn't wearing the sexy, lacy stuff. All I got was some pretty lame standard-issue cotton." —Jon, 23
40. "My girlfriend is obsessed with the quizzes in Cosmo and always begs me to sit down and do them with her. I pretend that I'm not that into them, but the truth of the matter is that I'm pretty anxious to know the answers!" —Rocco, 26
What Makes Men Fall in Love
It’s a baffling question: Is there some specific moment or event that makes a guy suddenly decide “Yes, I think I love her”? Well, the answer isn’t clear-cut, but there are some general principles. “Men have certain innate needs that must be met before they truly feel connected to you,” says Paul Dobransky, MD, author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love. “When a guy realizes, consciously or not, that you’re ideal on all these levels, that’s when he’ll commit.”
Boiled down, guys have four primal relationship desires that are sometimes sated by the tiniest of moves by you. Here, experts explain with examples so you can put these insights to use when your guy is at the brink.
The Desire: To Protect
Believe it or not, the so-called stoic sex is hardwired to nurture. Sheltering you from harm makes him feel studly, which makes him feel good. “Not that you should act helpless, but letting him see your vulnerable side will bring him closer because it unlocks his instincts to take care of you,” says David Givens, PhD, author of Love Signals. So give him chances to take charge, and thank him after he does. When a guy associates you with feeling like Superman, of course he’ll want to couple up. These little things can draw out his hero side.
Give him a job. Ask him to fix or build you something. Performing concrete tasks is a way of bonding that enhances his sense of success.
Ask his opinion. Whether it’s about your 401(k) options or the best travel sites, it telegraphs that you value his brain as much as you do his brawn.
Wear soft materials. Delicate textures like rayon, silk, and fur trigger an intense response in men. These fabrics accentuate your softer, feminine nature, which heightens his amorous instincts.
Don his clothes. It shows that you’ve chosen him over other guys — sexy.
The Desire: Freedom
Even emotionally healthy men want assurance that their identities will stay put after they’ve become half a happy couple. “By making it clear that you don’t expect your guy to change, he’ll feel like you truly understand him but don’t threaten his sense of self,” says Dan Neuharth, PhD, author of Secrets You Keep from Yourself. “That leaves him feeling on sturdy enough ground to commit.” The following moves let him know you’re no ball and chain.
Blow him off. Men hate the idea of being tied down socially, so turn down occasional plans. He’ll not only feel easier — and open up more — around you, but he’ll also start to wonder what you’re doing and pursue you more.
Share your own fears. Guys often hold back because they think most chicks are baby-hungry ring-hunters. So if you feel nervous about committing, let him know. He’ll be reassured that you’re navigating new waters too, not trying to trap him.
Reinvent yourself. Little changes in your appearance now and then — say, hair up in a ponytail one day, down the next, etc. — remind him that you’ve got zillions of facets to your personality too. Read: no rut risks.
Respect his privacy. A physical space that’s totally his is a huge symbol of independence to a man. Signal that you respect that by, say, staying out of desk drawers and not peeking at his caller ID when his phone rings.
The Desire: To Shine
Maybe he’s cocky, but he’s still insecure. Trust us, guys need to know that they’re respected and appreciated. “When being around you increases a guy’s esteem, both internally and in the eyes of others, he’ll naturally want to be attached to you,” says Dr. Dobransky. Here, things that show your high value and nudge him toward love.
Make him happier. Laugh when one of you loses balance during sex. Go to stupid movies. Drag him out when he’s crabby. If you can keep things light, even during stressful times, you’ll become indispensable.
Be a social butterfly. Guys are good at left-brain stuff, like sales and sports, but can get awkward when it comes to social graces. Take the lead and charm the people you meet and he’ll be extra grateful to have you. But he may take credit for making those new friends...whatever.
Play mind games. Activities that require mental prowess — like Scrabble, puzzles, and chess — can prod his passion. It sounds nuts, but proof of your problem-solving abilities subconsciously shows him you’re a desirable choice for carrying on his genes.
Act like the grand prize. Seeing you through other people’s eyes reminds him how special you are. Invite him to an event where you’ll excel (whether it’s karaoke or a fun run), or have him stand between you and another man you think is getting too close at a bar.
The Desire: Comfort
“Falling in love is a process of developing attachment, which happens when oxytocin floods the brain,” says Alan Hirsch, MD, neurological director of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation. You can unleash those love hormones by making him feel like you two just “fit.” When he’s so comfortable with you that he stops thinking about your relationship and simply enjoys it, he’ll find himself nudged into love territory. Take these tips.
Let him see you primp. Grooming in front of him enhances intimacy because it’s something other guys don’t get to witness. Just keep it goddesslike (applying lipstick or powder), not gross (bleaching your moustache).
Cook together. Being around food spikes oxytocin levels in males. The more often you prep dinner à deux, the more he’ll associate you with the good feelings he gets from eating it.
Stock your pad. When buying groceries you don’t have a preference on, get a brand he uses. He’ll subconsciously feel at home at your place. Sleep with him. Catnap near him or let yourself doze off in his arms so he sees you in your most trusting, completely relaxed state.
What Yanks Him Back from the Brink
Some factors can derail a guy who’s about to fall.
1) They Get a New Opportunity
A promotion often means spending more hours at work or taking a schedule-chewing class. Instead of balancing that with their love lives, guys tend to prioritize their careers and believe that a solid relationship will endure the delay. So if something big is brewing, he may hold himself back.
2) You Never Fight
Sure, guys hate arguing, but it’s worse if you don’t react negatively at all when he’s screwed up. A guy will worry that (a) you’re going to lash out later, (b) you’re a doormat, or (c) you’re not into him enough to care. Any of these will make him rethink your budding relationship.
3) Pure Panic
Many men worry that if they commit, they’ll have to give something up — friends, dart night, something. So when a guy realizes he’s fallen for you, he may freak out and pull away for a while. If you can weather his big-baby behavior without reacting in a way that confirms those fears, he should snap out of it.
Boiled down, guys have four primal relationship desires that are sometimes sated by the tiniest of moves by you. Here, experts explain with examples so you can put these insights to use when your guy is at the brink.
The Desire: To Protect
Believe it or not, the so-called stoic sex is hardwired to nurture. Sheltering you from harm makes him feel studly, which makes him feel good. “Not that you should act helpless, but letting him see your vulnerable side will bring him closer because it unlocks his instincts to take care of you,” says David Givens, PhD, author of Love Signals. So give him chances to take charge, and thank him after he does. When a guy associates you with feeling like Superman, of course he’ll want to couple up. These little things can draw out his hero side.
Give him a job. Ask him to fix or build you something. Performing concrete tasks is a way of bonding that enhances his sense of success.
Ask his opinion. Whether it’s about your 401(k) options or the best travel sites, it telegraphs that you value his brain as much as you do his brawn.
Wear soft materials. Delicate textures like rayon, silk, and fur trigger an intense response in men. These fabrics accentuate your softer, feminine nature, which heightens his amorous instincts.
Don his clothes. It shows that you’ve chosen him over other guys — sexy.
The Desire: Freedom
Even emotionally healthy men want assurance that their identities will stay put after they’ve become half a happy couple. “By making it clear that you don’t expect your guy to change, he’ll feel like you truly understand him but don’t threaten his sense of self,” says Dan Neuharth, PhD, author of Secrets You Keep from Yourself. “That leaves him feeling on sturdy enough ground to commit.” The following moves let him know you’re no ball and chain.
Blow him off. Men hate the idea of being tied down socially, so turn down occasional plans. He’ll not only feel easier — and open up more — around you, but he’ll also start to wonder what you’re doing and pursue you more.
Share your own fears. Guys often hold back because they think most chicks are baby-hungry ring-hunters. So if you feel nervous about committing, let him know. He’ll be reassured that you’re navigating new waters too, not trying to trap him.
Reinvent yourself. Little changes in your appearance now and then — say, hair up in a ponytail one day, down the next, etc. — remind him that you’ve got zillions of facets to your personality too. Read: no rut risks.
Respect his privacy. A physical space that’s totally his is a huge symbol of independence to a man. Signal that you respect that by, say, staying out of desk drawers and not peeking at his caller ID when his phone rings.
The Desire: To Shine
Maybe he’s cocky, but he’s still insecure. Trust us, guys need to know that they’re respected and appreciated. “When being around you increases a guy’s esteem, both internally and in the eyes of others, he’ll naturally want to be attached to you,” says Dr. Dobransky. Here, things that show your high value and nudge him toward love.
Make him happier. Laugh when one of you loses balance during sex. Go to stupid movies. Drag him out when he’s crabby. If you can keep things light, even during stressful times, you’ll become indispensable.
Be a social butterfly. Guys are good at left-brain stuff, like sales and sports, but can get awkward when it comes to social graces. Take the lead and charm the people you meet and he’ll be extra grateful to have you. But he may take credit for making those new friends...whatever.
Play mind games. Activities that require mental prowess — like Scrabble, puzzles, and chess — can prod his passion. It sounds nuts, but proof of your problem-solving abilities subconsciously shows him you’re a desirable choice for carrying on his genes.
Act like the grand prize. Seeing you through other people’s eyes reminds him how special you are. Invite him to an event where you’ll excel (whether it’s karaoke or a fun run), or have him stand between you and another man you think is getting too close at a bar.
The Desire: Comfort
“Falling in love is a process of developing attachment, which happens when oxytocin floods the brain,” says Alan Hirsch, MD, neurological director of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation. You can unleash those love hormones by making him feel like you two just “fit.” When he’s so comfortable with you that he stops thinking about your relationship and simply enjoys it, he’ll find himself nudged into love territory. Take these tips.
Let him see you primp. Grooming in front of him enhances intimacy because it’s something other guys don’t get to witness. Just keep it goddesslike (applying lipstick or powder), not gross (bleaching your moustache).
Cook together. Being around food spikes oxytocin levels in males. The more often you prep dinner à deux, the more he’ll associate you with the good feelings he gets from eating it.
Stock your pad. When buying groceries you don’t have a preference on, get a brand he uses. He’ll subconsciously feel at home at your place. Sleep with him. Catnap near him or let yourself doze off in his arms so he sees you in your most trusting, completely relaxed state.
What Yanks Him Back from the Brink
Some factors can derail a guy who’s about to fall.
1) They Get a New Opportunity
A promotion often means spending more hours at work or taking a schedule-chewing class. Instead of balancing that with their love lives, guys tend to prioritize their careers and believe that a solid relationship will endure the delay. So if something big is brewing, he may hold himself back.
2) You Never Fight
Sure, guys hate arguing, but it’s worse if you don’t react negatively at all when he’s screwed up. A guy will worry that (a) you’re going to lash out later, (b) you’re a doormat, or (c) you’re not into him enough to care. Any of these will make him rethink your budding relationship.
3) Pure Panic
Many men worry that if they commit, they’ll have to give something up — friends, dart night, something. So when a guy realizes he’s fallen for you, he may freak out and pull away for a while. If you can weather his big-baby behavior without reacting in a way that confirms those fears, he should snap out of it.
How to Emerge from a Fight More in Love
Disputes with your man are no fun, but they’re bound to occur. And when they do, you may worry that the loving bonds you’ve established in your relationship will somehow begin to erode. Not so, says psychologist Xavier Amador, PhD, author of I’m Right, You’re Wrong, Now What?, who maintains that “fighting is a necessary ingredient for intimacy. It shows that you’re invested enough to want to hash something out instead of just writing each other off.”
So as warped as it sounds, disagreements can actually provide an opportunity for you and your guy to grow closer — if you deal with them constructively instead of letting them devolve into huge, ugly blowouts. “It takes emotional intelligence to take the anger out of an issue and talk about it productively, and many people don’t learn those skills growing up,” says Amador. So we talked to top communication, relationship, and conflict-resolution experts to get their best advice. On the following pages, how to avoid common quarreling pitfalls, plus crucial strategies for fighting right at every stage of a love spat.
STARTING THE FIGHT: DIVIDING MOVES
E-mailing your issue. If you’ve been stewing over something your guy said or did, it’s tempting to fire off a bitchy e-mail or IM detailing your grievances. But by doing that, you run the risk of blindsiding your guy — remember, he may be clueless to the fact that you’re upset, says Amador.
Ambushing him. It’s important to pick a good time to air your gripe. So if your boyfriend thinks he’s coming home to spend the night vegging on the couch and instead you rip into him the second he walks in the door about how badly he behaved in front of your friends last Friday, you’re setting him — and yourself — up. At best, he’ll offer a stunned, knee-jerk response that will likely upset you more. Says Gini Graham Scott, PhD, author of Disagreements, Disputes, and All-Out War: “If you’re not both in a frame of mind to discuss the issue, nothing will get solved.”
STARTING THE FIGHT: UNITING MOVES
ID the real issue. Say you’re seething because he didn’t RSVP to his friend’s party on your behalf. Before you read him the riot act, spend time reflecting — maybe you feel left out of his social circle or you have concerns about his lack of responsibility or etiquette. “Fighting is often about something much deeper than the surface issue,” says Scott. Freaking out about a specific instance (the RSVP debacle) won’t improve communication. But if you can identify what’s really bothering you, he can work on that bigger issue.
Stay calm. Guys are biologically engineered to avoid screechy female tones...or so you’d think. Meaning, if you want him to stay in the room long enough to hear you out, you have to calm your butt down. “What I suggest is taking two breaths into your belly and thinking of something good in your life so your nervous system relaxes,” says Fred Luskin, PhD, author of Forgive for Love. Taking that moment will help you remain kind, which in turn will get him to see how committed you are to finding a sane solution.
DURING THE DEBATE: DIVIDING MOVES
Kitchen-sinking your criticism. The tiff started when he came home late, but since you’re riled up, you also bring up how sexist his friends are and how selfish he is to watch TV when you’re having a bad day. “Confine your discussion to one incident,” says Luskin. “Snowballing your complaints confuses both of you about what the real issue is.” Keeping focused lets you resolve the argument at hand instead of creating new ones.
Repeating yourself. If he doesn’t seem to get why you’re so peeved through his thick skull, keep hammering it home, right? Wrong. “Anytime one of you repeats yourself, it means the other person has stopped listening and put on their mental mute button,” says Amador. At this point, productivity is at a standstill.
Fighting dirty. “Sarcasm and name-calling are cheap shots,” says Patricia Covalt, PhD, author of What Smart Couples Know. “It takes maturity to stay even-keeled.”
DURING THE DEBATE: UNITING MOVES
Saying I instead of you. “It sounds psychobabbly, but it really works and makes people less defensive,” says Amador. Try it: “You don’t do any chores, so I did the dishes again!” sounds blamey, while “I feel like I’m left with an unfair share of housework, such as the dishes. What do you think about that?” suddenly opens things up for a legit discussion.
Asking questions. As your guy spells out his side, get details: “When did you first notice this?” or “What would you like me to do next time?” “This shows him that you’re listening, and guys respond well when they feel respected,” says Covalt.
Taking breaks. If things get ugly, say “I’m too upset to talk rationally. Can we revisit this tomorrow/after I work out/in an hour or so?” Says Covalt: “When you think of a fight as a talk, not a blowout, it takes the fear out of it. You both become more optimistic about handling it.”
WRAPPING IT UP: DIVIDING MOVES
Insisting on hashing it out. Not all arguments can be resolved in one sitting. So while you might want to slog out the details right away, your guy may be over it — at least for the night. “People in conflict have different styles of settling things and need different amounts of time to process what’s been said, and all of them are valid,” says Scott. As long as you’ve said your piece and feel heard, be willing to compromise with how your partner wants to handle the situation.
Demanding a perfect apology. “When we’re mad, our reptilian brain kicks in and wants our opponent to grovel and admit defeat,” says Amador. “It’s crucial to let your frontal lobe take control and remind you that it’s the big picture — harmony — that’s important.” So if he said he was sorry, take it at face value instead of holding out for him to say it the “right” way.
WRAPPING IT UP: UNITING MOVES
Moving on. Once you’ve heard the outcome you were after (an apology, a promise to try harder, an explanation of why he feels that way, etc.), any further fighting is self-indulgent. “Be willing to stop when you reach your goal,” says Amador.
Saying it out loud. When you come to an agreement on something that needs to change, verbalize the specifics so you both know what to expect. For example, “In the future, if I’m going to be working past 8, I’ll call you.” That way, you don’t misunderstand and wind up bickering again about the same thing, advises Covalt.
Checking in before you check out. “Before you walk away, say that as far as you’re concerned, the issue is resolved, then ask him if he feels the same,” says Amador. It conveys concern for your mate’s point of view.
DEALING WITH THE AFTERMATH: DIVIDING MOVES
Harboring a grudge. Some people blow the memory of a dispute way out of proportion. But by nurturing a grudge and holding on to your anger, you hurt for far longer than you need to, says Luskin.
Making cracks about the fight. Referencing your fight-night drama in front of other people — even as a joke — erodes trust. “It escalates his defensiveness, both on that topic and the next one you have an argument about,” says Amador. Just the mention of a sore subject in front of a third party can make him feel like he’s being attacked or belittled.
Insisting on getting in the last word. Say you let things go at the time, but you just thought of a great point to make or something clever you shoulda said. So you toss a pointed comment over dinner or send an e-mail “clarifying” your point of view. These actions only re-engage the entire tussle and leave him wondering if he can trust that you’re telling the truth the next time you say you’ve made peace with the matter.
DEALING WITH THE AFTERMATH: UNITING MOVES
Focusing on his best qualities. After a draining debate, spend some time dwelling on what you love about your guy — even the smallest, stupidest things, like how he always restocks the cookies when they’re running low. “Contemplating your partner’s good points puts him in a more positive light in your mind, and it helps balance the stuff that’s irritating about him,” says Luskin.
Sending a nice e-mail. No need to rehash the events, but bouncing him a “Thanks for talking that over” or “Again, I’m sorry, and I love you” can go a long way toward rebuilding goodwill. “When you give these interpersonal gifts, the natural instinct on his part is to give you one in return at some point,” says Amador. “It’s a gesture that only benefits the relationship.”
Touching him. A reassuring hug or back scratch can be all it takes to transmit to your guy (who’s naturally less verbal) that you’re still a tight couple. “These touches are all about reassuring him and expressing your love — directly and indirectly,” says Amador. “They say, ‘Yes, I can be angry and still love you.’” And, hey, if it leads to make-up sex, so be it. There’s a reason that variety of nooky has such a hot reputation.
So as warped as it sounds, disagreements can actually provide an opportunity for you and your guy to grow closer — if you deal with them constructively instead of letting them devolve into huge, ugly blowouts. “It takes emotional intelligence to take the anger out of an issue and talk about it productively, and many people don’t learn those skills growing up,” says Amador. So we talked to top communication, relationship, and conflict-resolution experts to get their best advice. On the following pages, how to avoid common quarreling pitfalls, plus crucial strategies for fighting right at every stage of a love spat.
STARTING THE FIGHT: DIVIDING MOVES
E-mailing your issue. If you’ve been stewing over something your guy said or did, it’s tempting to fire off a bitchy e-mail or IM detailing your grievances. But by doing that, you run the risk of blindsiding your guy — remember, he may be clueless to the fact that you’re upset, says Amador.
Ambushing him. It’s important to pick a good time to air your gripe. So if your boyfriend thinks he’s coming home to spend the night vegging on the couch and instead you rip into him the second he walks in the door about how badly he behaved in front of your friends last Friday, you’re setting him — and yourself — up. At best, he’ll offer a stunned, knee-jerk response that will likely upset you more. Says Gini Graham Scott, PhD, author of Disagreements, Disputes, and All-Out War: “If you’re not both in a frame of mind to discuss the issue, nothing will get solved.”
STARTING THE FIGHT: UNITING MOVES
ID the real issue. Say you’re seething because he didn’t RSVP to his friend’s party on your behalf. Before you read him the riot act, spend time reflecting — maybe you feel left out of his social circle or you have concerns about his lack of responsibility or etiquette. “Fighting is often about something much deeper than the surface issue,” says Scott. Freaking out about a specific instance (the RSVP debacle) won’t improve communication. But if you can identify what’s really bothering you, he can work on that bigger issue.
Stay calm. Guys are biologically engineered to avoid screechy female tones...or so you’d think. Meaning, if you want him to stay in the room long enough to hear you out, you have to calm your butt down. “What I suggest is taking two breaths into your belly and thinking of something good in your life so your nervous system relaxes,” says Fred Luskin, PhD, author of Forgive for Love. Taking that moment will help you remain kind, which in turn will get him to see how committed you are to finding a sane solution.
DURING THE DEBATE: DIVIDING MOVES
Kitchen-sinking your criticism. The tiff started when he came home late, but since you’re riled up, you also bring up how sexist his friends are and how selfish he is to watch TV when you’re having a bad day. “Confine your discussion to one incident,” says Luskin. “Snowballing your complaints confuses both of you about what the real issue is.” Keeping focused lets you resolve the argument at hand instead of creating new ones.
Repeating yourself. If he doesn’t seem to get why you’re so peeved through his thick skull, keep hammering it home, right? Wrong. “Anytime one of you repeats yourself, it means the other person has stopped listening and put on their mental mute button,” says Amador. At this point, productivity is at a standstill.
Fighting dirty. “Sarcasm and name-calling are cheap shots,” says Patricia Covalt, PhD, author of What Smart Couples Know. “It takes maturity to stay even-keeled.”
DURING THE DEBATE: UNITING MOVES
Saying I instead of you. “It sounds psychobabbly, but it really works and makes people less defensive,” says Amador. Try it: “You don’t do any chores, so I did the dishes again!” sounds blamey, while “I feel like I’m left with an unfair share of housework, such as the dishes. What do you think about that?” suddenly opens things up for a legit discussion.
Asking questions. As your guy spells out his side, get details: “When did you first notice this?” or “What would you like me to do next time?” “This shows him that you’re listening, and guys respond well when they feel respected,” says Covalt.
Taking breaks. If things get ugly, say “I’m too upset to talk rationally. Can we revisit this tomorrow/after I work out/in an hour or so?” Says Covalt: “When you think of a fight as a talk, not a blowout, it takes the fear out of it. You both become more optimistic about handling it.”
WRAPPING IT UP: DIVIDING MOVES
Insisting on hashing it out. Not all arguments can be resolved in one sitting. So while you might want to slog out the details right away, your guy may be over it — at least for the night. “People in conflict have different styles of settling things and need different amounts of time to process what’s been said, and all of them are valid,” says Scott. As long as you’ve said your piece and feel heard, be willing to compromise with how your partner wants to handle the situation.
Demanding a perfect apology. “When we’re mad, our reptilian brain kicks in and wants our opponent to grovel and admit defeat,” says Amador. “It’s crucial to let your frontal lobe take control and remind you that it’s the big picture — harmony — that’s important.” So if he said he was sorry, take it at face value instead of holding out for him to say it the “right” way.
WRAPPING IT UP: UNITING MOVES
Moving on. Once you’ve heard the outcome you were after (an apology, a promise to try harder, an explanation of why he feels that way, etc.), any further fighting is self-indulgent. “Be willing to stop when you reach your goal,” says Amador.
Saying it out loud. When you come to an agreement on something that needs to change, verbalize the specifics so you both know what to expect. For example, “In the future, if I’m going to be working past 8, I’ll call you.” That way, you don’t misunderstand and wind up bickering again about the same thing, advises Covalt.
Checking in before you check out. “Before you walk away, say that as far as you’re concerned, the issue is resolved, then ask him if he feels the same,” says Amador. It conveys concern for your mate’s point of view.
DEALING WITH THE AFTERMATH: DIVIDING MOVES
Harboring a grudge. Some people blow the memory of a dispute way out of proportion. But by nurturing a grudge and holding on to your anger, you hurt for far longer than you need to, says Luskin.
Making cracks about the fight. Referencing your fight-night drama in front of other people — even as a joke — erodes trust. “It escalates his defensiveness, both on that topic and the next one you have an argument about,” says Amador. Just the mention of a sore subject in front of a third party can make him feel like he’s being attacked or belittled.
Insisting on getting in the last word. Say you let things go at the time, but you just thought of a great point to make or something clever you shoulda said. So you toss a pointed comment over dinner or send an e-mail “clarifying” your point of view. These actions only re-engage the entire tussle and leave him wondering if he can trust that you’re telling the truth the next time you say you’ve made peace with the matter.
DEALING WITH THE AFTERMATH: UNITING MOVES
Focusing on his best qualities. After a draining debate, spend some time dwelling on what you love about your guy — even the smallest, stupidest things, like how he always restocks the cookies when they’re running low. “Contemplating your partner’s good points puts him in a more positive light in your mind, and it helps balance the stuff that’s irritating about him,” says Luskin.
Sending a nice e-mail. No need to rehash the events, but bouncing him a “Thanks for talking that over” or “Again, I’m sorry, and I love you” can go a long way toward rebuilding goodwill. “When you give these interpersonal gifts, the natural instinct on his part is to give you one in return at some point,” says Amador. “It’s a gesture that only benefits the relationship.”
Touching him. A reassuring hug or back scratch can be all it takes to transmit to your guy (who’s naturally less verbal) that you’re still a tight couple. “These touches are all about reassuring him and expressing your love — directly and indirectly,” says Amador. “They say, ‘Yes, I can be angry and still love you.’” And, hey, if it leads to make-up sex, so be it. There’s a reason that variety of nooky has such a hot reputation.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
In the Boudoir of N. de Samim
It’s really daring to create a lingerie brand and to launch a website with a collection limited at… one knickers ! First I wanted to wait N de Samim to enlarge it range before talking about him here. But the atmosphere of this sweet boudoir is so incorrect and so deliciously provocative then I can’t resist to invite you to make him a little visit.
Discrete but spicy summer collections from Bien Fee Pour Toi
Discrete but spicy summer collections from Bien Fee Pour Toi
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